Of the thousands of books I’ve read there are a handful that stand out as making a significant impact on me. Francis Schaeffer’s Pollution and the Death of Man was what helped me see my faith as something that interpenetrates all of life. The gothic novel, The Monk, by Matthew Lewis hauntingly exposed what can happen when those in the church, blind to their ego and temptations, try to hide in their religiosity. And then there is Charles Merrill Smith’s book, How to Become a Bishop Without Being Religious.

I stumbled on Smith’s book at a second-hand bookstore. It was on the discount shelf (making it equivalent to being found in a third hand bookstore) for only a dollar. I don’t know why I bought it. Was it God’s providence?

How to Become a Bishop Without Being Religious was published in 1965 and, disappointingly, it is no longer in print. For, as the introduction promises, “This book is about how to get ahead in the ministry… If you digest it thoroughly and keep it always at hand for quick reference in emergencies, the probability that you will succeed in ministry is very high indeed.”

And this book delivers on its promise. I’ve had it with me ever since, for over 30 years of ministry. Yes, there are ministry classics every pastor should read. I think of Chrysostom’s, On the Priesthood and Richard Baxter’s, The Reformed Pastor. But, alongside these, Charles Smith’s book would make the perfect ministry trilogy.

I can do no better justice to Smith than to let him speak for himself. Below is a sampling of his wisdom under four important categories he covers. After this sampling, I’m sure you will sell all you have to go buy the field where the complete 131 pages of this gem has been hidden.  It could not only be the difference between ministry success or failure, but true ministry advancement. Here is Smith in his own words.

Appropriate Clergy Recreation

Your pleasures, then, should not be a vigorous nature. It is a pity that croquet is no longer popular for it is the ideal recreation for the clergy. No one gets very excited about it, no one swears over a poor shot, it is inexpensive, and it doesn’t work up a sweat. (p. 13).

Selecting a Clerical Wife

An overly attractive wife can be a millstone around the neck of progress in your profession. She will be a constant distraction to you, and you will be tempted to spend time with her much better invested in getting on with your career.

A good, plain-looking wife whom you like and about whom you can think with affection but without passion is an inestimable aid in directing your primary devotion to your church and its duties.

Psychologists who have done research on the subject report that girls who want to marry preachers generally have a low sex drive and, convinced by the pious Protestant image of the clergy, believe that an ordained husband will be modest in the carnal demands he makes of her. (It is inevitable, of course, that it won’t always work out this way for the girls since a few lusty characters do manage to find their way into the ministry, but the odds are very probably in her favor. (p. 25-27).

The Sermon

No one cares very much what you say when you preach, so long as it is not radically controversial or disturbing. Your acceptability as a preacher depends almost wholly on how you say it. A really gifted preacher can deliver an exegesis of “Mary Had a Little Lamb” and send the congregation home in a spiritual trance. (p. 31-32)

Keep handy a set of non-specific words and phrases which allow the members of the congregation to fill in their own meaning. It is always a good idea to urge your people to employ more of “the spirit of Christ” in the solution to the social tensions, since hardly any of them know what this means but practically all of them think they do. (p. 46).

Leading Worship Music

Here is a mystery. How can relatively sane, intelligent people happily sing what amounts to nonsense, or claim, through song, to believe what they obviously do not believe, or promise via hymnody to do what they haven’t the faintest inclination to do, and would be stunned if, after the amen, were told to go and do what they just finished saying they were going to do.

The explanation of the phenomenon is obvious. It is that people hardly ever pay any attention to the words when they sing hymns. It is as if they know, in advance, that the words don’t mean anything anyway. If they like the tune, if it is associated with pleasant experiences, if the music falls agreeably on their ears and makes no demands on the text of rationality or poetic quality or anything else.

There is little else to say about conducting public worship after instruction on the choice of music, for if music is used correctly, it doesn’t matter much what else you do. (p. 86-87).

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What more can I say? When it comes to pastoral council, I won’t go so far as to say, “Move over apostle Paul”. Of course that would be ridiculous. But this guy gets pretty darn close.