Boundaries – Pastor Bo Neal (Episode 6)
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17 responses to “Boundaries – Pastor Bo Neal (Episode 6)”
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How to be a 24 hour Samaritan? What an interesting and challenging questions. Glad Dr. Piva and Bo expressed this is truly impossible and not meant to be how we are supposed to live.
Then Bo shares how we can have boundaries:
- Spiritual Boundaries are necessary and the start, is to stay connected to the vine – John 15:5
- We need the Holy Spirit’s voice.
- Ephesians 4 shows pastors don’t exist to do all the work but to equip the saints to do the work. Bottom line is equipping so others can respond.
- I appreciate how Bo expressed this was a learned process and how he recognized pride in being the guy who takes care of things.
- Family Boundaries
- I was really listening when Bo shared about how his wife responded to things. She seemed to balance accepting ministry responsibilities and needs while also being willing to speak out when it was too much. Then they intentionally together made changes.
Going back to Ephesians 4, Bo chose to prioritize staff meeting and make that an equipping time for his team. I like that idea a lot and it made me think how I wish I was being equipped more at staff meeting. I have never been asked, “what is God speaking to you?” That honestly made me jealous.
I liked hearing that boundaries are really to come from the Lord. I think this would be a good prayer matter for me.
The discussion about boundaries about pastoring woman helped me practically. Having a camera as protection is a good idea. My context does not require this, but I know one day it probably will. Another good thing to consider, is who knows that you and a woman are alone. All about accountability. Love that! Thankful I do have ladies who are ministers that I can invite others to talk to.
Bo’s rule to not touch money is great, I don’t want to do that either! Then pointing to the truth of the Lord when criticism comes is of great necessity to me.
Okay I have said enough, these podcasts are great!
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- Spiritual Boundaries are necessary and the start, is to stay connected to the vine – John 15:5
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I agree with Bo Neal’s comment that boundaries are not like the ones in video games, where something immediately happens as soon as you go out of bounds. I played a lot of video games and sometimes you fall into the void, sometimes you die and respawn and sometimes the game just crashes. The danger in real life is that life isn’t a video game where boundaries are visible and consequences of breaking them are not immediate.
Take today’s classroom case study for example, the boundary was actually broken in small steps. First, the man tries to numb his stress through pornography, and he doesn’t feel anything immediately, other than feeling a bit guilty. But the sexual fantasies of the young woman doesn’t come until much later, and by the time he start treating women as sex objects, it’s already too late for the Billy Graham rule (of never being alone with a woman) to benefit him, because the objectification of women had already been burned into his head by his repeated pornography use.
Everyone has heard of the analogy of boiling a frog in a pot. When it comes to boundaries, the temperature of the water doesn’t matter. The real question we should be asking is why is the frog even inside the pot in the first place? If the frog has set up a boundary of never being inside a pot regardless of the temperature, then there would be no chance of it being boiled alive.
One problem I want to discuss here is my intentional procrastination and guilt tripping myself. I am capable of managing my time, but I would intentionally procrastinate my projects until the last minute so I can use the adrenaline rush to motivate myself. There are also other times when I binge play video games so that I can use the guilt I feel after the binge to motivate myself to do productive work. As an adrenaline junkie myself, I think the best way to tackle this issue with boundary is that I need to identify what constitutes as pot, and NOT what the water temperature is. However, unlike pornography and women, motivation is an internal and intangible issue. My own guess is that I need to look at my tasks from a redemptive lens. In other words, I need to come out the other side as someone different. This week I’ve been studying the book of Habakuk and even though his writing was very short compared to Job, he did come out the other side as a changed man. Therefore, my pot would be a cycle where there’s no change happening to me. If I’m doing something that ultimately brings no transformation, it doesn’t matter how well I manage my time or where do I get motivation from, that’s where I draw the line.
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Thank you Pastor Bo for this discussion! Some really interesting stuff coming out of this!
I appreciated the intentional attitude during the weekly planning sessions that Bo was talking about in terms of setting weekly priorities that were important at the time AND also mattered.
One of the strength trainers I used to follow repeatedly said, “If you fail to plain, then you’re planning to fail.”
I also appreciated the anecdote at the end of the interview with a simple story about making a joke during announcements. I think you both were bang on 100% about intentionally making sure you’re doing everything possible to point people to Christ. I think there is a lot of temptation to try and “entertain” to either go for a joke (for people to remember you) or because you might think that you need to entertain to attract more people to the church.
Spurgeon said that we should not become clowns entertaining the goats in the church, it should be about feeding the sheep! May it be so!
My wife and I are both especially aware of the sexual temptations that can happen to a Pastor, and I can definitely state that my wife is a solid believer in the “Billy Graham Rule” that you brought up during discussion. I think the suggestions around having proper cameras are great (regardless), but I think above all I always need to have some awareness when I am serving and a female congregant needs to meet for some help or guidance.
Some pastors have been giving me some (decent) advice lately about this specific topic, such as making sure if you do need to meet, meet out in a public place. Also properly communicating when (or if) these meetings are happening and when they are finished with my wife.
Above all, remember the verses in scripture that warn us about this kind of temptation; I constantly remind myself that we are vulnerable and that it is a common tool in Satan’s toolbox against the Body of Christ:
(i) Doctrine of Devils (perverting and /or spreading all kinds of false doctrines and gospels)
(ii) Tempting the Pastor: either to compromise or sexually
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First of all, I would like to thank Pastor Bo Neal and Dr. Piva for sharing such meaningful insights through today’s podcast. Through this episode, I feel that I gained a clearer and more practical understanding of how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in ministry. In particular, the analogy about lines and rules on a soccer field something I personally love helped me understand the concept of pastoral boundaries much more clearly.
The sections about boundaries regarding criticism and finances also helped me realize areas where I previously lacked clarity about how to set proper limits. Especially in the area of sexual boundaries, I learned how to prevent unnecessary misunderstandings and temptations, and how to respond wisely when alone with a member of the opposite sex. However, the part that resonated with me the most was family care. I still have many questions about this issue. In Korea, pastors and assistant pastors in large churches are often extremely busy. It is very common for them to leave early in the morning and return home late at night. In such situations, I believe there is a real possibility that they may not spend enough time with their families, and that their wives and children who may need their care the most could feel neglected. Of course, I trust that God cares for them, but I also believe that children need a specific kind of love that comes from their father, especially when he is a pastor. This reflection became a meaningful opportunity for me to think carefully about how I should spend time with my future family, how I can care for my children within God’s will, and how that care can bear spiritual fruit.
Lastly, the podcast addressed the importance of self-management, something that is frequently emphasized both in seminary and outside of it. This is also one of the values I consider very important. Maintaining our physical health and aligning our natural rhythms in a balanced way is essential. After all, we often hesitate to use tools that are broken or rusted.
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Awesome conversation on boundaries, Dr. Piva and Ps. Bo. I like how Ps. Bo reminds us to make room for others to be equipped for ministry and not have to be the guy who does everything all the time. We should check our hearts and motives when faced with the tyranny of the urgent. Personally, I tend to do more than I should because I’m afraid others aren’t able to do things efficiently. Ironically, leaders have allowed me to make many mistakes and grow from them, and yet I’m less willing to have others learn by themselves. I need God’s grace and wisdom to let go of micro-managing certain ministry areas.
I also appreciate Dr. Piva being honest about venting to his family members. Whether at home or with other ministers, it’s easy to unload our frustrations onto others. Today, I felt convicted by the Holy Spirit when I read “If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless” (Jas 1:26). I realized I haven’t thought about setting boundaries with my own tongue. If I have any frustrations or groanings in the spirit, I can always express it to my Lord in prayer. While there are occasions I can express emotions in a healthy way to others, I should discern when my speech becomes self-centered or out of control in negativity.
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The part that resonated with me the most was when Pastor Bo was saying that we should focus on the truth of the Lord when it comes to boundaries and other areas of life. Of course, there is value in the feedback and input from others, but that alone should not and cannot dictate what boundaries we set.
When it comes to more sensitive areas like financial and sexual boundaries, it is important to think what is biblical and right and also be honest with ourselves about how well we can resist temptation. Finding strong, firm boundaries rooted in Scripture is important so that these boundaries do not waver easily with criticism.
This area has been a topic of discussion for our church as we have recently reorganized our board and discussing boundaries like who should be able to see the finances and who is giving offerings to the church. It has been tricky so far and there has been no firm conclusion yet. But as we continue to discuss, I hope we can set boundaries based on the word of God, not just based on anyone’s personal opinions.
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I appreciated early on the references Pastor Bo made to being Christocentric in who the hero is of our ministry: Jesus. By challenging the listener to think about the Good Samaritan and about the delegation of ministry, Pastor Bo helps set the framework for understanding our capabilities and limitations. This is a great framework to build going into a conversation regarding boundaries.
A consistent theme of the episode was the challenge of the Important vs. the Urgent. This theme was addressed in part by Pastor Bo referring to Ephesians 4. It is important to develop people, so that in the “tyranny of the urgent,” we don’t seek to just “handle things.” But instead, we seek to to continue to equip the saints for ministry, training and deploying others to be that priesthood of all believers. On this same topic, it is always a good remind to ask how much of the staff meeting/training is actually spent pursuing abiding in the vine, vs managing things that perhaps can be delegated? As we have heard in previous episodes, we cannot minister if our spiritual life is in shambles or even dead from atrophy. How can we as pastors and staff members encourage even one another to make time for our spiritual needs?
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This was an awesome conversation—thank you so much for taking the time to have it.
I really appreciated the discussion around respect for meeting with the opposite gender. Creating shared spaces and using cameras as a way to help ensure safety and mutual respect is such a wise and practical step.
I also found the point about making sure someone else knows a conversation is happening to be especially helpful. That kind of transparency adds an important layer of accountability.
At our church, we have a policy that requires two people to be present when teaching Sunday school or youth group—preferably one of each gender, though that is not always possible with the younger children.
I believe that adding cameras to the classrooms once our renovations are complete would provide an additional layer of protection and accountability for everyone involved.
Thanks again for facilitating such an important and meaningful conversation.
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A recurring theme in this converastion was the matter of training up others to take up the labours of the Church. I think this is an excellent insight on Pastor Bo’s part. Boundaries are most often broken where we feel a need, and lack the resources to deal with it in a healthy manner. So the singular pastor is more likely to skip out on appointments, work extra hours, go the extra mile, because it is so easy (even sometimes rational) that ~he~ has to be the one to do it, and it can’t be left undone.
Therefore it seems to me a practical way for the Church to encourage better boundary keeping is to be raised up and share the load. This will require long-term planning on the part of the pastor, especially if he is starting from “scratch”. This could mean several years of operating at a slower pace as you wait diligently. Only after there is fruit on the vine will you be able to advance into certain projects.
Bo’s position on his office and the handling of money is in lockstep with mine. Since having arrived to my congregation I have never directly engaged with the tithe – I have had my deacons and some trusted men handle those things. Likewise I keep an arms reach away from knowing who tithes what. The spectre of influence and favoritism is so subtle I worry it could affect me without my realizing it. I still have my voice in terms of budgets and day to day operations, but without some of the risks of directly, hands on management.
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Although the microphone failed, the volume levels were actually better for me to be able to hear more clearly what Pastor Bo was saying.
What Pastor Bo said about the role of the shepherd is not to take care of all the matters in the ministry, but rather the priority is to equip saints for the ministry is a very helpful reminder that the pastor is not a superhero. By setting that boundary and purpose, it becomes the foundation in which the pastor operates and relates to his congregants. Often times, a church may be looking for a single pastor who can do it all, able to be a preacher, teacher, counsellor, psychologist, child-care, facility maintenance operator, and be on call 24/7. These are simply not realistic expectations and unhealthy if the boundaries for expectations are not set in a healthy way.
My personal take-away is how a pastor might implement boundaries when counselling the opposite sex. For the pastor to recognize temptation is a sign of discernment and being willing to step back and hand it off to someone else is a sign of maturity and wisdom. I think it could be easy to think to myself, “I can just resist the temptation, God will protect me,” and just go along with it. Perhaps nothing will come of it, but once one boundary is crossed, it is much easier for the second and the third boundaries to fall as well. This can also apply to other scenarios, in church polity or ethical compromises where caution should be heeded.
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The discussion on sexual and financial boundaries was very practical. Avoiding one-on-one meetings with the opposite sex, ensuring visible spaces or accountability (like CCTV), and maintaining clear financial distance from church money all serve as safeguards. These practices are not about distrust but about preventing temptation and protecting integrity. I appreciate the humility in acknowledging that no one is above temptation. Similarly, his perspective on criticism, listening for truth, praying, and discerning whether to address it, shows maturity. Seeking outside help, such as counseling, also reflects strength rather than weakness.
Personally, this interview challenges me to examine how much responsibility I assume that God may not have actually given me. I tend to feel responsible for solving problems, and that can blur healthy limits. The reminder that my primary calling is to remain connected to Christ encourages me to prioritize spiritual disciplines rather than activity. I am also convicted about calendar boundaries, intentionally leaving space instead of filling every gap with obligations. In future ministry, I believe boundaries will directly affect longevity and faithfulness. Without them, burnout or moral failure becomes a real risk. With them, ministry can be fruitful, sustainable, and honoring God.
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I appreciate Pastor Bo Neal’s reminder not to schedule every minute of the day, as I tend to plan too tightly. As I shared in my reflection, flexibility often fosters relationships, especially unexpected ones. Once, I visited a neighbour intending to stay only five minutes to drop off a gift, but it became a five-hour conversation about Jesus. If I kept the rigid schedule I used to maintain in Hong Kong, I would have missed that gospel opportunity.
Two other points from the podcast were particularly helpful. First, Pastor Bo emphasised the importance of abiding in Jesus, the true vine who enables us to bear fruit (John 15:5). Second, he highlighted that a pastor’s role is to equip the saints for God’s work (Eph. 4:12), rather than trying to do everything alone.
I also resonated with Dr. Piva’s comments on handling criticism and discerning what to share. Growing up, I heard about my family’s painful church experiences, which shaped my view of church and pastors. Yet instead of grumbling, they were intentional to education too. This awareness has helped me remain realistic, avoid disillusionment, and remember that no church is perfect. We all depend on God’s grace and need mutual correction and encouragement.
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I appreciate this episode between Dr. Piva and Pr. Bo Neal. One of the most helpful takeaways from this episode was the reminder that boundaries are not a lack of love, but a protection for long-term faithfulness. The question about being a “24-hour Samaritan” initially sounds spiritual, but it actually exposes how easily ministry can become driven by guilt or pride rather than wisdom. Abiding in Christ, as John 15 reminds us, is the source of fruit. Boundaries protect that abiding.
This hit home for me in the context of leading university Bible studies. Students often have meaningful and urgent questions about faith, doubt, relationships, and calling. At times, I receive texts late at night or at unexpected hours. Earlier on, I felt internal pressure to respond immediately, almost as if delay meant I was neglecting them. There is something in me that wants to be dependable and available at all times. But I have realized that constant availability is not the same as faithful shepherding.
I have started setting quiet boundaries, such as responding during reasonable hours and encouraging intentional follow-up conversations instead of late-night back-and-forth exchanges. This has required some internal adjustment. I had to confront the subtle pride of wanting to be the person who always has the answer.
Ephesians 4 reminds us that pastors equip the saints rather than doing everything themselves. Boundaries are not withdrawal from ministry. They are trust that God is working even when I am not immediately responding. Without boundaries, ministry may continue, but intimacy with Christ and sustainability eventually suffer.
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I love Pastor Bo’s idea of “protecting my calendar.” There is a tendency to fill our schedules and say yes to too many things leaving our calendar without any margins. And margins are good. A lot of times I find myself in a conversation with a person trying to connect to them or even sharing the gospel and then I end up cutting it short because if I don’t I will be late for my next appointment or event or meeting. Even with making sure we place equal priority for important activities to care for the self (exercise, rest, recreation, etc.), we must learn to say no to every opportunity and remember that caring for the self will also allow us to function at our best and more long-term. It sounds better than accomplishing more and ending up being burned out.
I can totally relate with not sharing everything with our family that relates to work so as not to burden them. I feel this sometimes when I’m in a conversation with my wife. They do not need to know everything we are battling with in the workplace and so we have to discern what a healthy amount of sharing is. But I do agree with Dr. Piva that we do need to find people we can vent out too regarding these matters.
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Thank you both for taking on this discussion of boundaries. I liked the reminder that through the “tyranny of the urgent,” the pastor needs to remember that his primary focus needs to remain equipping the saints for the work of the ministry. We can’t plan every minute of every day and need to leave space for rest and relationships. I also liked Bo touching on the topic of boundaries when it comes to physical health and finances.
I liked the advice and experience of boundaries when it comes to pastoring those of the opposite gender by using public space and cameras. This is great advice to maintain accountability.
Setting boundaries when it comes to tasks and time is something that has been really helpful for me. Since I began prioritizing certain tasks and making and guarding time for rest, I have been doing a lot better at managing my tasks without overexerting myself.
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I appreciated the soccer analogy that if you cross a boundary, there must be a consequence. Applying this to my life is a lifelong journey, as soccer is a time-tested sport with solid rules, whereas my boundaries are not yet as solid as soccer rules.
When Dr. Piva mentioned the trap of “not earning a paycheck” for studying the Word of God in sermon preparation, I resonated with that and became concerned about my future ministry. Even my lead pastor sometimes expresses similar guilt to me.
I remember taking criticism of my ministry work very personally numerous times. I am also tempted to complain about such critical people at the family dinner table. One time, my wife expressed how spiritually damaging my complaints were. She also confessed that her complaints about others to me were damaging to my inner thoughts.
Thank you.
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Thanks Dr. Piva for asking such relevant questions. Pastor Bo Neal really shared out of his many years of experience. I totally agree with his analogy of the boundary as a soccer field and the defining statement that “if it is crossed, something will happen”, which actually explains the unseen boundary God sets in our hearts. If it is crossed, there will be repercussions.
My takeaway from this podcast are
- God sets the boundaries: Such a statement a person can make only when he/her has lived it and practiced it in his/her daily life. Because this boundary is not institutional. But it is deeply rooted in the fear of God. Which invites every minister and the believer to be true towards God and make Him as their priority.
- Billy Graham rule: Pastor Neal mentions cameras to be installed in the offices or the vestries. Sometime ago i witnessed the defrocking of one of my senior colleagues because of this particular reason. Due to this, we stopped sitting in our vestry until the cameras are installed. Though later it came out as a malicious trap against the chief Priest, but until then, the damage was done.
- Another thing with which i absolutely agree with is the understanding wife who understands the struggles and the challenges of her husband as a Pastor. But even within the close proximity of the family, there is a boundary needed .
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Stef Piva 
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